Lately, I’ve realized that I don’t like change as much as I thought I did and even though my resume says I am adaptable, that does not take away the fact that I sometimes find it hard to adapt to new situations.
Since I transitioned from high school to university I have gained a deeper sense of self-awareness and I've noticed I often see myself in need of having to be pushed out of my comfort zone in order to go after the next thing. I often hold on to what feels like home and what feels good. Recently a friend was lightheartedly making fun of me and said I am like a young old man, especially right now that I am living on a ranch by myself, you can find me sitting on a chair with a cup of tea, gazing at the mountains at sunrise. Yes, I enjoy comfort, I could even say I love the zone, the comfort zone.
By the time I graduated high school I had been helping my parents in leading the worship team and the youth at their church. I was passionate about the things we were doing and enjoyed the rock band my brother and I had with some friends, which also helped us have a good social circle in that area. When I faced the need to go to college, I had two options: a medical school 4 hours away or the school in Tijuana which was a 14-hour drive away from home. My dad insisted that the university in Tijuana was much better; I, however, wanted to be close to my parents, friends, and the church. I did not want to leave the things we were doing but still chose to apply to both schools. I did not study for the test of the so-called better school, but I did prepare for the other university that I wanted to go to, or better said, that I was settling for. It was as if I was sabotaging myself because I did not want more than what I had at the moment. I first received the news of not being accepted to the university that was close and I admittedly cried for almost a whole day, so when I later found out that I was accepted to the school in Baja, I was relieved. I remember it vividly, it was a Sunday morning before church, I went and checked on the computer and when I found out I was accepted, a joyful shout erupted from inside me; my dad heard me from downstairs, he was excited and also relieved; a few days later I was on my way to Tijuana.
When I was in my 4th year of medical school, my brother was admitted to the same university I went to. At that time, I was living in an apartment and I was pretty comfortable there. We couldn’t afford a bigger apartment, but my dad had a small empty lot on the east side of Tijuana. My brother and I helped my dad build a house there during the summer. By the time we needed to move in, the house didn’t have the inner layer of sheetrock much less insulation, therefore it was very hot, the floor was rustic concrete, with no tile on it, and it got very dusty every time we would sweep; our allergies would flare every time. I experienced a lot of frustration and behaved at times in a very whiny manner because besides being uncomfortable and living far away from my school and most of the hospitals I was going to, this drastic change happened while I was in the seventh semester of school, the heaviest one in our curriculum. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful because I knew how much effort my dad was putting into keeping both of us in medical school, but at times I couldn’t help it.
In 2015, I got accepted to a placement abroad in Houston, Texas as part of my internship year from school. At first, it was difficult and exhausting, the program kept me very occupied for several months, at times I wanted to quit. Later on, when I was more adapted and settled, I began to experience loneliness and, it was then that I experienced for the first time what anxiety is. While attending Lakewood church I joined a 'life group' and made new friends, I was soon surrounded by a community that shared similar values. By the end of my internship, I was very comfortable with my lifestyle there and when it was time to come back to Mexico for my ob-gyn rotation, I did not feel ready for it.
The following are some examples that come to my mind when I think of good things that have come out of discomfort:
Because of the University I ended up going to, I am able to revalidate my studies in other countries since it’s a certified school. It was also through that school that I was able to go to Houston for my placement abroad where I made lifelong friends and connections. A few months into living in that uncomfortable house I began noticing a bus passing by every day at 5 pm in front of our house. That is how I first found out about Rancho de sus Niños, not realizing that a couple of years later I would spend almost 3 years of my life working there full time and by being there, meeting several of my now close friends. I also had the opportunity of being sent to Romania and posteriorly do an amazing 10-day trip across Europe.
slowly learning.
As time passes I realize even more how prone I am to seeking comfort. Put me in a place where I am uncomfortable and I will throw a tantrum the first day, but a few days later, I will identify the problems and find solutions as I make the place more enjoyable and visually pleasing, then I will not want to get out of there. While I love my ability to find solutions and transforming the ugly and uncomfortable, I often fall into the trap of getting cozy. There’s a delicate tension in this because I think we should be able to sit down, take our shoes off and sink into the couch, and enjoy the season, but we should also be ready to move on to the next thing when it’s time. This, in particular, is where I feel weak at. As I transitioned out of The Mission, I wrote on an Instagram post, “one of my weaknesses is my resistance to letting go of good things, even when knowing that there are good things waiting ahead of me”.
At the moment I am living in Ensenada, I came here temporarily as I prepare for my upcoming exams. For entertainment and mental sanity, I have been working in my parent’s house, fixing the house little by little, and working in the garden. I’ve been dreaming of what I want this house to look like and all of the remodeling that I would love to do. But the alarm is ringing inside my head because I am getting comfortable again and when studying gets hard, I am tempted and think to myself, “ah, this is hard, should I just let this dream go and stay here.” I feel like perhaps the day will come when I’ll settle in one place for more than 5 years, but I don’t feel like that time is right now. However, I’m loving the peace and tranquility of the ranch where I live so much, that I think it will be difficult to move out when the time comes.
I’ve been meditating on this issue of mine and trying to figure out why I have such an attraction to comfort. Part of it I think has to do with the lack of comfort I experienced growing up. When we moved down to Sonora basically as missionaries in our own country, my parents, my brother, and I lived all together in a 16 square meters room (172 sq ft). From having every child’s dream car bed, my brother and I transitioned to sleeping next to each other on a cot. Being as hot as it is, Sonora is home to scorpions and they can be found anywhere and the first few months we had a latrine as a toilet, so my brother and I would rather hold it than go to the bathroom there. Thank God my dad quickly built a normal bathroom and shower. We often visited a nearby city for classes and grocery shopping and, before our trips, my brother and I would fight over getting the seat away from direct sunlight. Literally, we would in our minds calculate the direction of the sun-rays to choose which side of the car we were going to fight for on the way there and back. Growing up I used to say I wanted to have an office job, where I could be in a room with air conditioning because I did not want to work under the sun. This is why it was ironic to me that part of my job at The Mission was running the ropes challenge course in the blazing heat of Tecate’s summers. God was really working with my heart there, I guess.
Every day I am more convinced that we miss out on a lot of fun when we are so concerned with comfort. I remember being in London for the first time in 2019, I was late to catch my bus to the city center, little did I know that this is not a big deal for British people, they just put me in the next one. My phone wasn’t working and the phone company had charged me for the wrong thing. I was very inconvenienced trying to talk to them on the phone and they weren’t very helpful. I hopped on the bus in zoned out mode, still mad at the phone company, and when we were on the highway, I suddenly realized that we were driving on the wrong side of the road and, in my mind, I was like: -“Oh my!, I am in the UK!”- I began laughing at myself for being mad, quickly getting over it and I enjoyed the rest of the trip.
I was also inconvenienced when my flight from Ibiza to Barcelona was delayed. I knew the last bus from the airport to the city center left at midnight and the flight barely made it to Barcelona on time for me to catch the last bus. When I arrived at the kiosk where I would buy my bus ticket, there was a long line and the woman in front of me bought two tickets, but she was in such a hurry that she forgot to take the second one as it hadn’t finished printing. I was definitely tempted to keep that ticket, but I decided to buy my own ticket and save that ticket in case she came back. I asked the people around me if they saw where the lady went, and nobody saw her, apparently, she had vanished. So from the people I talked to, I continued the conversation with this guy behind me in the line, we took the same bus and he told me he was studying to become a ship captain and had a navigation test the next day, long story short, we ended up staying in the same hostel and now I have a friend from Ibiza. Whenever I lead a ship that brings medical aid to isolated islands around the world, guess who I’m gonna call to be the captain?
It seems that God is constantly taking me out of my rigidness. Delicately putting me in discomfort, to break me; to break the part of me that is only willing to accept things when they are my way. And, when I am done crying and throwing a tantrum, He kindly shows me what I gained from it, only for me to humbly say thank you, again, in the end.
It seems that there are two aspects of comfort that most of us long for. I would separate them into internal and external comfort. Internal comfort may look like the need for a community, loved ones, and to some prestige. External comfort may look like being in a familiar environment, commodities, the weather even, you name it.
There is a phrase from C. S. Lewis I came across and that accompanied me during my last transition, as I was leaving my role at The Mission and a very good group of friends and roommates.
“Humanity does not pass through phases as a train passes through stations: being alive, it has the privilege of always moving yet never leaving anything behind. Whatever we have been, in some sort we are still.” - C.S. Lewis, The Allegory of Love.
I realize that part of my fear of moving on is forgetting and being forgotten. But according to Lewis, we don’t leave people and the memories with them behind, we bring them with us into our future. Whatever I learn from every season, it stays with me.
An endless lesson.
About a year ago, I felt led to give my car away, and now, living in Ensenada, having recently begun working at a hospital in Tijuana over the weekends, I’ve been using public transportation. At first I was like, “Ok God, here we go again.” Going through this season of discomfort, I realize how intentional God is being while stretching me and teaching me to let go, to hold my plans and expectations loosely in front of him so that He can move in my life. During this season, I feel that God’s voice has been very active in molding my heart to see the way He sees, which is the ultimate goal. Every weekend by riding the bus, I get to see people’s faces and it is as if I could read the stories behind their eyes. He’s teaching me how to love and see people as He sees them. Not gonna lie though, something that has helped me maintain a good attitude is imagining that I am riding the bus in Ibiza. If I can ride the bus in Ibiza, I can do that in Ensenada!
In the last few years, I have been following a Youtube channel named ‘Yes theory,’ formed by a group of friends that take on crazy adventures under the motto ‘seek discomfort.’ It is fun to watch and it has inspired me to purposefully seek discomfort. Discomfort seeking is basically a type of workout where you are sore most of the time; the muscle you are growing is love and the weight you are losing is fear. I want to grow in love and lose fear.
Discomfort is an intrinsic part of life. When you are born, you cry as cold air fills your lungs and embraces your skin. We cannot totally eradicate discomfort, it will chase us every day of our lives. So we better learn to live with and stay in touch with discomfort. That is what makes the pleasures of life more enjoyable. It is being tired that makes you appreciate a good night of sleep. It is after being sick that one’s appreciation for health grows. Discomfort is a part of the journey and I am on this journey for the long haul.
Note to future self, continue leaving the comfort zone.
#SeekDiscomfort